While I find all the “dry” challenges and sober curious trends encouraging, I wonder if this new hip thing of trying out sobriety is an innocent health initiative or a glimpse at just how many people are quietly questioning their relationship with alcohol.
Just trying to be healthier –nothing to see here.
I tried my first 30 day sobriety challenge under the ruse of just taking a break. A few more challenges followed. Some sober time here, some self destruction there, you know the usual. A month, six months and then a year of absolutely no booze and you know what I found out?
I have a problem with alcohol.
The baffling part is it took me 14 years of questioning, researching, quitting (multiple times) and basically torturing myself over and over before I finally accepted it.
I took these breaks under the illusion I wanted to get healthy, lose weight and live a better lifestyle. I did want those things but in truth it was my inner voice telling me my drinking was a problem and it was getting harder to ignore. The first week of quitting was usually a cake walk. Pajamas, potato chips and Netflix? I got this. Eventually, I would be forced out of my cocoon to deal with some regular life, albeit uncomfortable situations. That is when things would get problematic.
Social events were terrifying. I didn’t dare accept an invitation because I didn’t want to be around the drinking…and to me, they were all drinking occasions. I held my breath Monday to Friday from the moment I left work until I could go to bed. Enviably something would happen, a bad day, a nice sunny afternoon on a patio and in an instant I developed amnesia, forgetting about all the reasons why I quit and I would drink, absolutely convinced this time would be different. I had it under control. No one tried harder than me to justify reasons to keep drinking and to try once again to moderate.
I’m just overthinking it. One drink isn’t going to hurt.
Every Monday was a new start with new rules, only on weekends, no alcohol in the house, switching up what I was drinking, water in between. Eventually I always caved. Trying to control my intake was all consuming. The vicious cycle and the shame of failing over and over played a heavy hand on my self worth. Moderation is an asshole and it’s exhausting.
I was a high functioning drinker. My home, job, marriage, kids, everything and everyone was fine, except for me. I was not fine. No one knew. A glass of wine during dinner developed over the years into a habit that drove me further into isolation. It lit a fire under my anxiety and drove depressive episodes. Nightly 3 am panic attacks were common and I continued to live on this roller coaster of highs and lows for many years until finally the shame, fear and negative inner dialogue brought me to a tipping point. Somewhere along the way the table shifted and alcohol stopped working to suppress my feelings and instead was taking far more from me then it was providing.
I had to come to terms with some hard truths surrounding my drinking, starting with I preferred to drink alone. I rarely indulged in more than one or two in front of people and on the rare occasion I did drink more then a couple, I hid it really well. Seriously, I was a master.
I continuously drank more then I intended.
If I look back in my journals I have been writing about my desire to stop for fourteen years.
I Googled, “Am I an Alcoholic?” more times then I can remember.
Am I? I don’t know. Some people might consider my daily drink count not so bad, but for some people the amount isn’t the issue, the effect it has on mind, body and spirit is the concern. I was definitely using it for a purpose. There was nothing casual about it.
The real question I should have been asking was, does it matter?
When questioning your drinking playing the “Am I bad enough?” game is dangerous and (heads up), will keep you drinking. The truth is I spent way too much time pondering over the label of alcoholic because I didn’t feel I fit into society’s definition. I lost years to a word because I didn’t want to be judged by others when the truth is no one’s judgments could have been any worse than my own.
No one wants to be an alcoholic, but if there is one thing I have discovered over my eight years in recovery it is that some of the coolest, most authentic, brilliant people on earth identify as one. This is an absolute fact.
Still, for myself, the word doesn’t set well so I don’t use it. Labels have never been particularly helpful in propelling my life forward. In fact, they play a huge part in keeping me stuck. There have been a lot of different terms popping up since I entered the recovery space, like “Grey Area Drinking,” and “Alcohol Use Disorder,” which is softer language to get past the stigma and helps open the discussion around early intervention. It is possible to get off the train before your life completely combusts. Recovery isn’t what it once was. There are amazing new programs, support systems and modalities to choose from. There is no one way to do this. It’s all about trying things on and seeing what fits. No single way is the better way. If it’s working for you, then keep doing that, there is no room or time for judgment when lives are at stake.
My hope is if you find yourself questioning your substance use then you will just get started. If you do a sober challenge really dig into it and pay attention to how you are feeling, journal about it, keep track. If you are struggling ask for help, attend a meeting or if that isn’t your bag hire a coach, join an online support group, listen to podcasts, read the abundance of memoirs out there written by people just like us. You don’t have to quit drinking today, just begin wherever you feel comfortable. Start the process.
The fear is real. Feel it and do it anyway. Early recovery requires a lot of holding on, letting go and generally getting to a point where seeing a friend with a glass of wine doesn’t make you want to punch them in the throat. Trust me. I had to totally take myself off the grid, but once I did and got past all the initial baggage, I learned and continue to learn how to deal with life without reaching for a buffer. I’m not going to lie, recovery is hard, but it’s also beautiful, magical and life changing. Having to feel and evaluate all the things you’re running from can get daunting but the amazing part is eventually doors open, things emerge and good things come.
So if you have more then an innocent curiosity. I challenge you to take your life back. It’s worth it.